As I previously wrote, I'm dealing with my problems with perceiving pleasure, specifically with video games. And guess what? I completed a full game since then.

Chosen one was "Castlevania: order of Ecclesia". I really like this one, it is the fifth time I played through it, so I can compare the feelings. Let's summarize.

• I liked to explore the place. A bit lineal in the first half, but great in Dracula's...

Today was who-knows-what holiday day in Spain, so my school academy closed. I took some time to dance with a sword.

https://notbornval.com/video/notbornval/katm2.mp4

I can feel nice people answering "Yes, Val, you deserve, as every living person", and probably there is some truth behind this, but my reality feels a lot more elusive for me.

First, what I deserve and what I get are so far apart that the first practically loses all meaning. So, even though I might reason that the answer is "yes", deep down my body feels and knows that it is "no". Thinking "I deserve being loved" occupies <1% of my time. Feeling not is a continuous process.

Second, I have a deep...

Yesterday I received an email from a publisher. I knew it was going to be a rejection, but I feel some fear it wasn't. When I confirmed they didn't want my book, I feel relieved. And I asked me why.

I don't know if they read my text. They only asked for an editorial proposition and a single chapter. The text they sent me wasn't personal at all.

Yesterday I was thinking about this when I drove.

"It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

• Jiddu Krishnamurti

So, I...

Yesterday I had a good day.

First, my book was rejected again by another publisher. And why is that good? I guess that deserves a separated entry.

Second, I played a nice "Necromunda" game against two great friendly players. A lot of emergent narrative, I love that.

Third, I went to a gothic party where I danced for two hours. I found there a brother in arms, it's nice when I find one of them out of the sword fighting academy.

Enough for a Saturday....

Tomorrow also will be.

I feel no pity about a world without me, I believe I've done (or try) all the things interesting, and any moment would be as good as any other to stop existing.

What I don't want is a slow decadency process. It's something I lived by others :^(, and it's not for me.

Still I will stand on my feet as long as luck and wealth allow me. I'll try to bring something to people I love (Hi!), and also I will lot at the disgrace of people I despise and/or hate. Disgrace is waiting them, or...

I have an issue with how I perceive pleasure, one that applies particularly to video games.

I should mention that I’ve enjoyed video games for most of my life (I have my own huge video game created), but in recent years, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to enjoy them.

I usually attribute this (in this order) to my depression, the association of the medium (the computer) with work, and comparisons with other activities.

After looking more closely at the nature of pleasure, I believe that last factor...

There is this "metaphor" in the "Dark Souls" game, where the people who stops playing (they "surrender") become hollow.

I never found these games difficult at all, and just enjoyed them, as I enjoy running on the wild or lifting weights. While I remained doing these activities, I saw a lot of people who stopped because of injuries, paternity or other personal situations.

I wrote about that earlier, I call that the complementary void.

I've...

I grew within a group of people with a lot of artistic and creative interests. My town was not a culture place at all, but we people choose our friends and form groups with similar interests.

Some of these people were not only creative guys, but also very interested on martial arts, gym, running, weapons, surviving and those kind of things. Mainly were musicians, but, you know, I was a writer and a game designer.

I would say they were "alpha males", and me, a very confused transwoman who can't accept her...

In this entry, I’m going to briefly answer a question I was asked privately. The topic is personal identity.

I suppose it’s hard to know "who we are". After all, it’s one of those great questions of human thought that branches out endlessly in fascinating ways, leading to a wealth of enriching insights. However, I am someone who has to make decisions, so I need a practical answer, something that allows me to develop methodologies to apply to my life. I need a quick answer to establish as a working...

Resistance themed guild. Join, be the wave!

https://cyberspace.online/guilds/cyber-ronin/forum

Sixty-eight days have passed since I moved to my new home in a secluded village surrounded by farmland, nature, roe deer, and wild boar. This action is one of the most significant at the beginning of this "new life," or at least quite disruptive, and it has certainly brought new experiences, but here's the most shocking one for me:

I'm no longer allergic.

I suppose this story begins around the age of twelve, when I went through a terrible period in the spring. I was diagnosed with a allergy...

There was a time when I really enjoyed diving headfirst into the cold water in the summer. Unlike others, it wasn't a taste I acquired during childhood; rather, this practice became relevant in my early adult life, when I started running competently.

It wasn't uncommon for me to time my run during August to coincide with the time my mother would go for her two-kilometer swim in the swimming pool where we lived. I suppose that in a way, this was one of the small gestures that built a close relationship....

What I tried to read in https://cyberspace.online/notbornval/valerias-funeral

Whenever I think about death, I remember my friend the Turriptosis dohrnii, or moon jellyfish, which can live indefinitely. When it outlives its sexual maturity, it can revert to a sexually immature age through a cellular development process called… yes, transdifferentiation.

So, the moon jellyfish certainly doesn't plan its funeral. According to Wikipedia, a funeral...

Dancing with swords

The videos:

• https://notbornval.com/video/notbornval/mascaramuerteroja1.mp4
• https://notbornval.com/video/notbornval/mascaramuerteroja2.mp4

There's a lot I could say about this. It's not that I think we've redefined the entertainment world or anything like that, but from a personal perspective, in relation to my gender identity and other paradigms,...

The Complementary Void

It's not exactly an established definition, but I call the complementary void that space where someone should be, but isn't, for whatever reason. If they had never been there, it would be a regular void like any other, and nothing would happen. But because the person existed, their subsequent absence is noticeable, probably painful, or at least awakens certain feelings that aren't always discussed.

The obvious case of a complementary void occurs with the death of a person, and...

The game is to create a title and synopsis for a gangster movie with anachronistic swords.

My Useless Skills

I've been thinking about my skills in order to prepare for my future and my new life, and I've realized that I'm rather not suited to the context of our hyper-specialized society. Almost everything I can do (except, I suppose, programming) is essentially useless:

• Sword fighting: I've invested so much time in this that I could have gotten a university degree instead. Of course, that doesn't mean the degree is useful either.
• Endless aerobics: I can run 10 km at a 4-minute...

My new town.

"Matarrubia" can be translated as "kill-a-blonde-girl".

I have a blonde wig, and also two handed swords. I'm ready.